How To Get Better At Receiving Criticism As An HSP
I’ve yet to hear of an HSP who doesn’t struggle with receiving criticism.
However, I don’t mean all kinds of criticism across the board!
For this article, I’m going to be breaking up criticism into three different categories: constructive, instructive, and destructive.
Constructive criticism serves a group’s objective, which means the responsibility doesn’t fall solely on you, but the collective group.
That can sound like, “Let’s do better by focusing on this instead of that,” and then highlighting how each person can play their role in achieving the group’s desired outcome.
Instructive criticism is aimed at one specific person who holds all responsibility for any changes that can take place. This is criticism that is strictly about your mindset/actions/desired goals/etc.
This can sound like feedback or advice that other people provide to you, (whether you’re seeking it or not), with the intention that you, or an aspect of your life, improves.
Lastly, destructive criticism is the type that we view as hate when we’re receiving it. It isn’t helpful whatsoever, and the intention isn’t for it to be helpful or supportive. It’s used to tear down, pick apart, disempower, and potentially hurt or offend the criticized.
It’s the only form of criticism that doesn’t offer potential solutions to a problem, however it can still provide insight on the mental and emotional state of the criticizer – which arguably could be helpful.
This article is all about how you can be become at receiving criticism (specifically the good kind of criticism that serve you), as well as how to handle destructive criticism in a way that honors your sensitivity.
How Criticism Affects You As A Highly Sensitive Person
Getting defensive when receiving criticism is pretty common, but it’s something I see many HSPs beat themselves up about.
If you can relate, than here’s your reminder that getting defensive is a normal human reaction and you’re not automatically an asshole for it. It’s just self-protection.
What you want to be mindful of is how long you remain in self-protection mode – because there’s a certain point when a reaction becomes a choice.
You deciding to stay defensive to the point of being unreachable every time someone tries to give you instructive criticism is what’ll hurt your relationships and your own growth in the long run.
HSPs are slow to pass criticism often for a couple of reasons, including:
- Keeping quiet can keep them safe from gaining attention, and therefore from receiving criticism
OR
- They don’t feel worthy of offering criticism
Both reasons can come from a unique fear of your own emotions more than anything.
It’s well researched that HSPs struggle with negative emotions more than most. You’re often afraid of your own anger, frustration, and even your critical thoughts towards others. You can feel ashamed and cruel for these things, when in reality, everyone experiences this at some point, especially towards the people they care about.
One thing I see HSP suffer from is the suppression of these emotions. This is why shadow work is a big part of my approach to coaching, because getting highly sensitives to actively work with some of their negative emotions is lifechanging. They rarely get the chance to even process these emotions because of that fear.
For example, if you’ve ever heard of the saying, “The quiet ones are the scariest when they’re mad,” then you have an idea of what it looks like when an HSP blows up in anger.
You do not rise to anger easily, and a part of that is due to you rarely allowing yourself to. Which sounds great, except for the fact that it frightens you.
Instead of harnessing your anger, shame, or fear to plant your feet, get clear on your yes’s and no’s, to set clear boundaries, you allow it to escalate until you’re launched into survival mode. Hence the explosion, the big scene, the shouting and the tears.
Why would I be afraid? you might ask.
Big emotions are overstimulating. You generally don’t like to make a scene. It’s so much less stimulating to retreat in quiet disappointment than to feel angry or have tears creep up during a difficult conversation.
The more overstimulated you become, the more difficult it’ll be for you to remain open, considerate, observant and all the great characteristics your sensitivity normally gifts you in conversation.
Let’s be real; we’re not the always the best people to be around when we’re overstimulated.
Something you’re really good at, whether you have a deep understanding of your sensitivity or not yet, is protecting yourself from overstimulation. Our defenses go up at the threat of feeling these overstimulating emotions.
Tip #1: Instead of internalizing your defensiveness, I want you to try acknowledging it immediately. Pointing it out to yourself in the moment can help you “soften” or lower those walls. At least, this is what works for me. It makes me drop my shoulders from their wound-up position, which usually isn’t obvious but the tension is there with defensiveness and you may not even realize it.
Basically, use that impressive self-awareness of yours to your advantage!
Be Aware Of The “Conscious Citizen” Mindset
I know you want to be the utmost citizen to other humans because you’re naturally conscientious of the other. That being said, you may not realize the power you possess in the spaces you occupy because of this.
The basis of that power is something I’m dedicating an entirely separate article to, so watch out for that, but I figure it’s worth mentioning right now if only to acknowledge that – yes, it exists.
From what I’ve seen personally with my clients, how this ‘conscientious citizen’ mindset can manifest pretty poorly for HSPs is when they believe that they will somehow be compensated for their self-sacrificing behavior, or will at least receive the acknowledgement they deserve.
This can get dangerous quickly (and that’s coming from me, someone who helps HSPs pursue and nurture reciprocal relationships).
This is because you may be operating under unfounded assumptions. This happens easily because you can be pretty comfortable in what’s unspoken.
I can’t tell you how many HSPs I’ve worked with who say, “Am I the crazy one? How did no one else think of this? Why wouldn’t other people see it this way?” And they take others not responding the way they would personally.
This sets them up for a lot of disappointment, because as expansive as their own inner worlds are, they’re expecting non-HSP to process information the same like they do. The reality is – they don’t even have access to all the information HSPs are working with.
Tip #2: I’ve made a similar point What Makes A Sensation Seeking HSP, where I mention that we can limit the potential of our relationships by expecting one individual to possess all of the emotional and intellectual depth that we’d prefer, when instead, we can appreciate how different relationships fill different cups and feel fulfilled that way.
The defensiveness, the disappointment of the behaviors of others not matching our own, the blaming ourselves for having different reactions than others… it’s a lot of mental gymnastics to avoid confrontation altogether.
Because the reality is we can skip out on all of that messiness by simply approaching others with healthy, compassionate detachment. That’s the headspace where we can actively communicate where we’re coming from and our understanding of what’s going on and what’s being said, which will help you:
- De-escalate overstimulating emotions
- Be receptive to instructive criticism
Tip #3: This is how instructive criticism can affect us, and the best solution I could give you is to make taking pauses normal. Do not be afraid to take a break, calling time out on a conversation will be the thing that disrupts the escalation of your overstimulating emotions.
How To Handle Destructive Criticism And Projections
So far, I’ve only been describing constructive and instructive criticism. These are the types of criticisms that improve your life in someway, they improve your relationship with yourself and your with loved ones. Being able to receive and integrate these forms of criticism is a sign of greater emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity.
But what about destructive criticism? What about when someone projects onto you? Apart of protecting your energy as an HSP is making sure you’re not absorbing these criticisms because the purpose of them is to destabilize and disempower you.
Destructive criticism is given in an inconsiderate manner, and highlights faults without suggestions or solutions.
Basically, it’s hater energy, and no one wants to deal with that. Something I see trip up HSP a lot is when they’re in the form of projections.
Psychological projections are the displacement of ones’ unacceptable traits onto others. So, someone who’s projecting onto you can give you destructive criticism that doesn’t even apply to you, but actually applies to themselves.
This is what I meant earlier when I said this type of criticism can still be insightful, because it can show you how other people feel about themselves, as well as how you affect them.
Usually it’s very confusing to receive projections from others because you have no idea where it’s coming from at first, but this is why using your discernment is going to be key.
I’m going to tell you something one of my own mentors, (who also happens to be my mother so shout out to her), has taught me, and I’ve seen this play out time and time again.
She tells me all the time: “Remember what people say and observe. People tell on themselves all the time through their actions.”
I truly believe this is how you get better at practicing your discernment.
We write off people’s bad behavior all the time because we forget that behavior is a language and people are still talking to us even when they’re not saying a word. If their words and actions do not match, believe their actions. Behaviors are patterns that reveal our own belief systems.
So ask yourself, what does your relationship with this critic in your life look like? Is is consistent? Is there an equal giving and receiving? Do they genuinely enjoy your company, and do you genuinely enjoy theirs?
Most likely, the answer to most of those questions is no.
Tip #4: If you come to the realization they’re projecting onto you or simply hating, you must emotionally detach from the situation, or else you’ll get caught up in defense mode.
What I’ve seen a lot with my clients is they’ll try to explain or defend themselves, which becomes exhausting because the person isn’t willing to listen.
People who are destructive towards you don’t want to see your point or understand you, they want to see you tire. They want you to become emotionally exhausted and less grounded so they feel better. The intention behind their criticisms are to get you to prove their point.
How I Receive Criticism Without Falling Into Victimhood
It’s important that whenever I’m receiving criticism from loved ones, I don’t take it as strictly objective.
Basically, I don’t take criticism as fact, but rather as a piece of a truth.
For example, I can ask 3 friends of mine their perception of something I’ve done and I’ll receive three different recollections of the event and varying impacts my actions have left on them.
This is where discernment is required from me, and I’ve spoken about this before. Within the Roadmap To Self-Grounding Program, I have entire lessons on how to use your discernment to protect your energy from others specifically.
A part of what discernment looks like for me in receiving criticism is deciding what is mine and what is theirs. Many truths exist within one single event in one moment, and the ripples of that moment are just the decisions we make.
So, once I make space for my reactions to instructive criticism, (the reactions being what stories I instinctively want to tell myself, the emotions and physical reactions I have – all of which can take many days to process), then I decide what I want to feel and do about this new insight.
Usually, I decide that I want to learn from this. That means being a humble student about it, because I’ve indeed been humbled. I reflect on how my past decisions have served me and my ego, and how I can make better decisions in the future. Apologizing if I need to, having open conversations with the right people, moving forward with no rock unturned.
That last part can be tricky with HSPs specifically because we’re deep processors; it takes us quite a bit of time to sift through those rocks. So, my advice is to bring things up as they come up for you.
You’re probably going to get a revelation days, weeks, months, even years after the fact. If it’s safe to do so, meaning the critic in your life is someone who isn’t destructive towards you and they’re usually a great space holder for you, feel free to share those gems, those bits of insight, the self-reflections you’ve had since their instructive criticism. If you’re fairly confident that they’ll be receptive to you.
This is a part of cultivating soul tribe, which is apart of creating your ideal environment as an HSP, which the purpose of the Foundation To Success Bundle.
I personally love when the people I care about feel safe to open to me, especially if something I told them helped them gain clarity, learn something new about themselves, etc. It’s imperative that I’m as open to sharing as well, because that’s the kind of depth I want to foster in my own circles.
This was everything you need to know about how to get better at receiving criticism as a highly sensitive person. If this is article was helpful, feel free to share this article and comment your thoughts below!
Until next time.
