It can be hard to help a depressed friend when they’re low, especially if you don’t have much exposure to depression in your daily life. I understand this, so here are ways you can help a depressed friend, plus some advice I have for you about taking care of yourself while being supportive to your depressed loved ones.
How To Help A Depressed Friend
Ask, “Discuss or Distract?”
When you show up for your depressed friend, be prepared to be flexible with them. It’s easy to feel like you don’t know the right thing to say is. Simply asking if they’d like to discuss what’s going on or if they want to be distracted by it will help them feel comfortable bringing it up to you in the future. Addressing it head on can be difficult for them, so by biting the bullet and being open to the discussion, you can put your loved one at ease. This is so important for maintaining a healthy relationship with them during depressive episodes.
Ask Questions Before Dishing Advice
While I’m sure it comes from a good place, everyone experiences their depression differently and copes differently, oftentimes depending on the day. Pushing unwanted advice onto them will only make them feel resentful towards you and worse about themselves. Instead, seek to understand exactly what they’re feeling and put yourself in their shoes. It’s a tough battle, and empathy is greatly appreciated. So if they are willing to talk about what they’re going through, ask some open-ended questions and let them.
Some good questions to ask are:
- What thoughts/feelings keep coming up for you?
- What’s been hard for you to do lately?
- What’s been making you feel better/making this easier?
Keep Them In The Loop
Just because your friend is depressed doesn’t mean they’re not your friend anymore! Give them life updates! Put them onto funny posts you saw online, shows you’ve been binging, what you’ve been into lately, etc. Letting them in is how you keep them close and feeling closer to normal in their experience. Don’t jeopardize the friendship by treating them differently all of a sudden. Open conversations will prevent this as well.
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Respect Their Wishes
As I said earlier, everyone copes differently. If you’re friend wants to stay home alone for a while, or cut your hang-outs short, give them space and respect their wishes. Most likely, it’s because they don’t have much energy left and it has nothing to do with you. Making them feel safe to reclaim their time helps so much with the guilt depression can sometimes bring (again, depends on the person but I for one know the feeling all too well). And it promotes an overall healthy relationship with boundaries! Boundaries are everchanging, so it’s nothing to feel bad about.
Reassure Them They’re Not Alone In This
When you’re lending an ear to their inner struggles, you’re going to hear some tough things. Whether you have experience with depression or not, depression is an ugly illness. Hearing the ins and outs of a loved one’s experience with it can be hard to digest, and you might feel like there’s nothing you can do. The best responses are the ones that are reassuring them they are not alone in their experience. Because it’s a lonely experience. You being there in the best way you can is how you can help a depressed friend.
Make The Good Times Last Longer
They may not always be down to hang out, but when they do, cherish it! Whether you’re staying in for a movie night or going out, really be present with them. You’re giving them a break from their dark clouds, so give them love the best way you can. Also, maybe don’t remind them of their depression often either. The faster you understand there’s a time to talk about it and a time to just enjoy each other’s company, the more enriching a time spent together will be for the both of you.
If you’re interested in what it might be like for your depressed loved one, my post about Growing Up With Depression: 5 Ways To Cope As A Teenager + What I Wish I Knew provides a deeper insight to what depression can feel and look like (whether they’re a teenager or not).
Advice For You, The Friend Without Depression
Don’t Take Their Depression Personal
Their depression has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, mental illness is an invisible injury, meaning everything that causes them pain is in their mind and not always visible to the eye. It’s simply not a broken limb you can tend to with your hands, that you can observe getting better. Invite the feeling of acceptance that this is something you have no control over as a friend.
Don’t Feel Guilty For Not Always Being Around
Feeling worried about your depressed friend can conjure up feelings of guilt if you’re not always around. While you want to be supportive, it wouldn’t feel good if they thought you were constantly checking in out of obligation and not because you genuinely want to. By constantly apologizing and agonizing over simply being busy, which everyone is at some point, you’re inadvertently giving them the responsibility of making you feel better for your guilt, which isn’t fair. Do what you can for them within your limits. That’s more than enough.
Protect Your Energy, Seriously
You can’t support your friend if you’re not okay yourself, and it’s common for depression to deplete the energy of the people around it too. If you feel like your friend’s depression is draining your energy, adopt some healthy space for yourself. When I’m in a depressive episode, I constantly worry about bringing the people around me down as well. You’ll be doing both you and your friend a favor for investing in your energy so when you two do come together, it’s a great time.
This was tips and advice on how to help a depressed friend. I hope you can look back to this post whenever you need some guidance with helping out your loved ones.
Until next time.
The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.
Ulysses S. Grant
