Learning how to build emotional intimacy within your relationships is how you create connections that bring you joy.
You just have to figure what that means for you and your person.
Firstly, I should note this article won’t focus on romantic relationships alone. To encourage balance within yourself and your life, it’s a good idea to have different people in your support system.
Now, you may be someone who doesn’t do well with intimacy. Or, if not you, you’re possibly dealing with a loved one who doesn’t. It’s not uncommon; we all face some kind of childhood trauma we haven’t completely figured out within ourselves yet. That can easily show up in how we access emotional intimacy.
For instance, your person simply isn’t a hugger.
Or, they lock up talking about their experiences; they’re often referred to as someone of few words; they’re not willing to share opinions with you, and you’re lucky if you get more than two sentences out of them about a recent event.
Maybe they just don’t know how to accept praise. Or they feel awkward having “moments” with you when you’re both bonding on a deeper level.
These are a few examples of the many ways you or your person can struggle with emotional intimacy. Yeah, it most likely has nothing to do with you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help them deal with it. At least when spending time with you.
Let’s get into how to build emotional intimacy in different kinds of relationships, and why it could be exactly what your friendship/partnership/etc. needs.
Emotional Intimacy Examples
Let’s establish an agreed definition of what emotional intimacy actually is.
The term itself is just a specific kind of intimacy, which I believe the APA Dictionary of Psychology describes perfectly. However, it’s kinda long, so I’ll rephrase a bit.
Key takeaways from this are:
- Being comfortable getting personal
- Knowing the details of each other’s lives
- Understanding each other on a deep level
Here’s what this could look like in your relationships.
Friendship
You can rely on them for support when you’re not okay. You don’t feel guilty for being low because they won’t make you feel bad about it.
Apologies aren’t hard to exchange. Jokes, no matter how unfunny or completely offensive, don’t make you uncomfortable. They may even make your day. You’re comfortable crying in front of them. And everything listed here is mutual.
Romantic Partner
You feel comfortable being yourself and making mistakes around them. You can comfortably share your thoughts and feelings with them about anything. Arguments don’t feel like the end of the world. Exchanging apologies aren’t difficult. The more you learn about them, the closer you two become. And, of course, everything listed is mutual.
Family
There’s full acceptance of who you are. They do not judge you but seek to understand. They come to you with questions and concerns regarding you and make you feel safe to respond. Constructive criticism is welcomed when you ask for it.
There’s trust, and no fear of your personal life being shared without your consent. Saying ‘I love you’ isn’t hard, and affection is shared easily. Inside jokes aren’t harmful to you. They have your best intentions in mind. Once again, everything listed is mutual.
Feeling Drained? The Importance Of Boundaries
Recommitting to your boundaries is essential for learning how to build emotional intimacy. If you’re not comfortable within your relationships, what’s the point? Why exhaust your precious energy maintaining them?
Unfortunately, people can get too hasty with “relationship repair.” They either cut off their loved ones immediately or jump into action trying to rebuild what’s not there. While you have every right to deal with your relationship how you see fit, I encourage you to address your concerns with them first.
It’s not the easiest thing to do; we can truly suck at clear communication at times – but the best-case scenario is this conversation/s build the emotional intimacy you’re looking for.
Sometimes, the problems we face are invisible. No one can read your mind. Whether it’s you who’s suffering or you’re noticing your person is off, the best thing to do is approach it gently and with curiosity.
Also, understand that boundaries can change. We grow, we change, and we’re multifaceted beings! Maybe you’ve never established your boundaries before. This takes some inner work, for which I urge you to read my posts on healing your relationship with yourself and self-care.
Most of the time, you have the answers to why or how your needs aren’t being met. It’s worth it to invest effort into yourself before you put effort into others.
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How To Build Emotional Intimacy
If you’re not satisfied with the level of intimacy you currently have with your person, whoever they may be, you’re not alone. Relationships go through all kinds of stages, and it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a serious problem, to begin with.
Whether we’re in the throws of episodic symptoms of distress or just not feeling like ourselves, it’s normal for things to take a dip. Without properly coping with it, our problems can easily become mirrored in our relationships.
Remember that it happens to the best of us, and we can always grow in our experiences. If you feel the need to solidify your relationships, here are some ways to go about it.
Share Your Inner World With Them
If you’re feeling like there’s not much connection within your relationship, be it with a friend, partner, or family member, consider if you’re being open with them. You can’t control how others react to you, but you can control your actions. This is a great way to take accountability for the effort you put into your connections.
So share your thoughts and feelings about…whatever. Ask them open-ended questions. Encourage a moment with them, and insightful conversation just between you two. There’s an intimacy in sharing parts of ourselves, always.
Schedule Quality Time With Them
If you’re mostly spending time with your person in group settings, try to plan dates with them. Yes, I’m saying plan dates with your siblings too!
For instance, my favorite way to hang out with my brothers is by getting together to watch an anime. With my sisters, we love doing yoga together. With my friends, we can talk for hours on end, or watch our favorite movies.
Whatever it is you like to do with just them, make time for it! Even if it’s only a couple of times a year (oh adulthood, how fun it is), make those moments count and participate with your undivided attention. It’s the best way to build your intimate bond.
Prioritize Fun When Things Are Hard
There’s always a time and a place for lending an ear or becoming a delightful distraction. This isn’t to say disregard your person’s struggles. But offer a chance for a breather, relief from hardship. We feel good when we can laugh with the people we love. So do that!
And don’t put pressure to be a stand-up comedian, please. Unless you’re extremely good at it, or incredibly bad at it, you can easily become another hardship for them to face (kidding…you may be on to something there).
But, hey! Maybe watching a stand-up comedian is one way to do that. If you’re not sure how to, ask them what they’re in the mood for.
Provide Space When Needed
This is where boundaries play an important part in building intimacy. If you re-visit the definition above, you want to make sure you’re entering your person’s personal space without causing discomfort.
If they’d rather be alone or spend time with others, give them that freedom. They have every right to it, right? We don’t own the people we love. And vice versa, if your boundaries are being crossed, it’s best to gently let them know so you two continue to value each other’s presence and respect each other. It’s a beautiful thing to feel safe to do this. If someone’s not feeling safe to do so, you may have to reconsider the health of the relationship.
Remind Them You Love Them
No one person is exactly the same. You may like to hear the words, flat out and full of warmth. Or, you prefer warm embraces and cuddles. Your person may not, or vice versa.
The idea of love languages isn’t new anymore, but this isn’t reserved for lovers alone! It would benefit you greatly to find out your sister’s love language, or your mother’s, or your best friend’s. It would be extremely helpful if they know yours.
So, discover how your person likes to be loved. Then, show them! It may not be the easiest for you, and you don’t have to give them the “best love in the world,” so to speak. We can get so wrapped up in doing things perfectly for the people we love, but truly, the best love is one that’s genuine.
Just remember, your best is usually good enough. If not, trust that they’ll let you know.
This is how to build emotional intimacy in your relationships. We go through so much in life. Our mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing, responsibilities, obligations, and so on. Sometimes we lose sight of what matters most, or it gets real easy to ignore. The most important thing besides your own happiness is how you make the people you care about the most, and who care about you the most, feel.
Until next time.
A good life depends on the strength of our relationships with family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and strangers
david lammy
